Scrabbling up side of rabbit hole

It takes energy, of which there is questionable amounts, to scrabble back out of this chemo rabbit hole. The perpetual dilemma is whether to push on and get the strength in the process or rest to allow the strength to come. Luckily there's not too much time for debating and several immediate tasks to fill the gap.

We headed out to Machadorp for half term after the last drip on Thursday. I was filled with trepidation about weathering the side effects away from home and with friends, who would be exposed to me at my worst. What luck to have such fabulous friends; they not only put up with me, but cheered us all up immeasurably, while simultaneously catering royally. It was an excellent weekend and it was marvellous to see Tim heading off for huge hikes and returning with a huge grin, refreshed by the peace, solitude and physical challenge. Nic and Ali read more than I've seen them read in years.

Now to gather the warm coats and strength for the Berlin and Prague adventure with Nic.

Split result

The CT scan on Friday was a harrowing experience, exacerbated by the poor souls who have to administer the test and act as if the results are fine. Luckily, James was here for the weekend and a marvellous source of positive energy for us all.

Dr Mafafo is happy with the results, which, as before, reveal that some tumors have shrunk, some stayed the same and one nasty one on my left lung has grown. What is important is that overall, there is not a deterioration, which means that I'm in the 20% of people who respond to this kind of chemo.My reward, hmm.. 3 more rounds.

Day 1 today. We know the routine, but it's still tough.Tim is my rock as always,( so much so that I've put his name forward to Shar for her unborn boy, as that tiny boy will be lucky to have the qualities I associate with the name). We were surrounded by difficult cases, a 19 year old girl, a 17 year old Downes syndrome boy and 32 year old young man. It's virtually impossible to distance oneself and the level of anxiety pervading the air is high. The chalky, puffy look and known nasty side effects are descending fast.

As always, thank God, there is lots of positive family news. Nic has formally signed an employment contract to be a Business Manager to a Director in the Department of Inclusive Banking. She starts on 9 October. She has been invited to a conference following her experience in Social Business in Bangladesh in Berlin, so, I'm going with her! We leave on Sunday 31.10 and are popping into Prague for two days, one night together at the conference at Wolfsberg, so I can meet her friends from Bangladesh. Then, I go back to Berlin to meet up with my dear friend, Jenny, who is flying in from Dublin for 24 hours of catching up, sight seeing and capuccinos. We're hoping Francesca Bashall will join us from the UK for the weekend. So much excitement.

James, having bolstered us all up and enjoyed just being at home, headed back in Cape Town in fine fettle and ready to await "the fear", which will anchor him firmly to his desk until the end of exams. He has several appealing plans for the post exam period and he needs to choose a venue for his 21st, which we will celebrate in early February. The MG is the source of delight we had in mind!

Ali was awarded an Academic certificate at the St John's Prize Giving, a splendid occasion at the glorious City Hall. Lewis Pugh was the eloquent, riveting and inspiring speaker. He has done a lovely painting in Impressionist style, inspired by a photo from our trip in Venice last year. He exudes happiness when painting. It is his Confirmation next Saturday and we'll have a weekend of celebration, with Godmother Linda making a special trip up from CT and Godparents Errol and Debbi supporting him. The course has been inspiring.

Still waters and swift recovery

Sometimes one's moment comes to lie by the still waters. Plainly, it was hard for me to recognise that it is my turn and also, it seems obvious that such lying should not be accompanied by persistent nausea and that myriad of other nasty sensations associated with chemo. I recovered so much faster from round 6 as a result of accepting the need to do absolutely nothing, (which rankles strongly with the heavily inbuilt Protesant Work Ethic), and also from scheduling in the peculiar coma-like sleeps, from which I emerge much restored.

By Thursday, I was up to a meeting at Salvazione school about the Shine Centre system of managing volunteer energy in schools to its best advantage. It is an obvious fit and the positive energy and enthusiasm was astounding. Plainly, one of us needed to get to Cape Town to see a functioning Shine Centre so that we could move ahead with Joburg immediacy.

I booked a flight on Sunday morning and was on my way at 2.15. What a thrill to be fully engaged with a project of such significance. Leigh-Anne was my competent and delightful guide and companion for Monday and Tuesday. I saw two fully functioning centres and attended a formal seminar about setting up a centre. It was a privilege to be among people of such integrity and competence. Their standards are uncompromisingly high, their system is professional and their commitment to education absolute. I am hoping to be a conduit that brings this Shine Centre model to bolster promary education in Joburg.I know this work is healing.

Tests will reveal whether I go ahead with round 7 of chemo next week or not. Happily on top form. My mum says she is astounded to see me looking better than I have in years!

Strange Monday

Having always been so busy, by nature and choice, this life of chemo is quite alien to me. Settling to nod off in front of a video, followed by a two hour sleep in the morning may sound like a good approach to recovering from student frivolity, but it pales as a life style.

Hey ho..

We've all relished the much needed break from the 3 week grind. The fourth week enabled me to enjoy my family, catch up with some friends, build stamina with big walks, spend time on the huge project to get our Salvazione grade 7 kids into high schools and participate, with much delight, and pride, at the KPMG Africa Conference at Sun City.

We went to the prize giving for the SACEE writing competition and Ali read his piece well. he came second in the Senior Prose section, much to our great delight. James' hard work during his vac paid off. Nic has had bad luck with her job and is waiting (impatiently) to hear the outcome of another interview. That nasty double dip is hitting hard all round.

Round 6 started today. My white blood cell count is normal again. This is very good news. Dr Mafafo could not find any outward sign of deterioration.

The side effects are hitting fast, so I know how the next week to 10 days will be.

The refreshing breaks are healing and empowering.

Up for air

Round 5 seemed to take forever to get over. The nausea dragged on and I battled with fatigue. Getting up the few stairs from the front door to the front gate was challenging and alarming for one accustomed to robust mountain walks. While I know that each round will be more difficult to tolerate, it is difficult to accept.

Having James home was a great tonic. He had a huge amount of work to do for 2 tests next week and managed to do several good days of work, with some happy family meals interspersed. He is wonderfully supportive and has intuitive gentleness and kindness, which got us through the muddy patch. My mother hen instinct was at the fore and anyone listening carefully would definitely have heard a little cluck from me, once I had all my chicks around the table! What more could I ask for?

Nicola started her new job in the Africa Division of Standard Bank on Tuesday, amidst great excitement of buying proper work clothes and shoes (high heeled; she had to practise walking in them and was seen in them with her spotty pink pyjamas!). She seems to have found the place where she can combine her passion for social business with good career opportunities and training. We are well aware how lucky she is to find a fabulous job in this precarious economic climate.

Ali has gone off on a leadership camp for the weekend. He's reading some of his work at the SACCEE Creative Writing Prizegiving on Wednesday evening and it's his 17th birthday on Thursday. The house is very quiet without the boys today.

Our 60 boxes of stuff arrived from CT on Thursday, so I have my work cut out for the next while. Chaos has erupted and while we were delighted to see all our books again, the rest should probably have remained in boxes. Worldly goods can be such a nuisance.

I'm toying with the idea of delaying the next treatment by a week for several reasons and will need to consult with the powers that be to see if this will be a viable option. We all need a break from the gruelling 3 week routine. The idea of an extra week off feels like a holiday coming up. The Becks have generously allowed us to go to their house on the Lunsklip River near Dullstroom for the weekend, so we'll be off on Friday with a couple of Ali's friends. The breaks are excellent medicine.

We seem to be balancing optimism, hope and realism relatively well.

Round 5, day 3

As promised. a pic of James indulging his mother's youthful fantasy! Two beauts?

The week has gone well. Tim has managed to be with me throughout the treatments and his resolute and calm presence makes all the difference in the world. A strong team. Starting again on Tuesday was tough, knowing exactly what I was in for, and we remain concerned that the chemo may weaken me to the point where I will be unable to take the seemingly successful, but still experimental Ipi.

The trend has been that the white cells have diminished with each round and we were delighted to find they had recovered well. This is why CT and our lovely bush experience were so much less taxing than anticipated. I feel strongly that this is to do with our fascinationg and, 100% out of our comfort zone, experience at a remarkable Christian healing service with Pastor Louis in Deep River in CT last Tuesday. Di Utton arranged it, Nicola (snr), Anna and James all accompanied us on the challenging adventure. We were surrounded by goodness and people of remarkable faith. Dr Mafafo was also interested in what I'd been eating, as I'd put on 2 kg!

The cancer world is inescapable and we had bad news about a lovely young man, Brett,28, whose treatment is not working and he has deteriorated. We have had several treatments simultaneously and shared many secrets about alternate meds, so it is a blow. I had particularly requested not to be treated in a facility where I would be exposed to children with cancer, my passion for teaching kids would make it too hard. I have classified Brett as "almost a child". The chemo ward was a grim place yesterday.

I know the next few days will be tough. Trish, my homeopath, has been able to access me some very good support meds, which make a huge difference. Happily, our home is full of positive energy; Nic is back from a highly satisfying and successful training session at Phakomane Bank in White River, Al did some challenging and pleasing painting in an adult class this morning and has taken pics for a charcoal portrait. James has to be parted from his new toy MG for a few days as he comes home for a weeks study break on Sunday. Although he finds the chemo regime gutting, Tim has managed to juggle work with his particular efficiency this week too. It's so much easier to be the patient than the support team.

I look forward to coming up for more quality time next week.