God be in my head!

Since October last year, when I last wrote, I have had a period of exceptionally good health. It seemed that my immune system has been strong and I have been living the best life I could have imagined for myself.

While never lulled into complacence, my excellent counseling has allowed me to live fully without an unnatural sense of urgency marring the sheer joy of life, with which I am continually suffused .

The last few weeks have been dogged by bad migraines that raised the alarm bells.

CT scans revealed on Friday that while the known marker tumours are in a stable condition, there are 6 new metastatic melanoma tumours on my brain. The largest is 3cm in diameter.

The involvement of cancer in my brain has always been my deepest fear. The loss of self and the impact of that on Tim and the children is so profound. Dr Tabane, my oncologist has warned of big effects on cognitive function and I have already had difficulty with speaking (dyspraxia) and and remembering (aphasia), where I can't remember people's names or recognize them and make the connection.

Under good advise from our trusted GP, I have completed a Living Will that allows me to make some decisions ahead of the time when I am unable to be in control. We have had a conversation about Euthenazia.

I am beginning with radiation treatment of my whole brain tomorrow and this will continue over three weeks. Surprisingly enough, I feel calm and resolute about losing all my hair and the probability that it will never grow again. Tim and I dashed off and bought a wig on Saturday. Not the run of mill shopping morning. It does make me look like myself, but thinking and feeling like myself are immeasurably more important for now.

I am overwhelmed, astounded and filled with enormous pride in my family. It is four years that we have lived with this bad cancer news and we have each developed extraordinary character and emotional intelligence over this period. We have had opportunities for many good conversations and fabulous experiences and they are strong and clear about how capable they are to move forward and to grasp all the good that life has to offer them. They do not have cancer. I have had the best imaginable wisdom and counsel from Sarah. Tim, in his generous and inimitable way, has created a miriad of opportunities  for gathering collective and individual memories, that we treasure.

There are some amazing new breakthrough drugs that are in trial phase out of SA and once the radiation is over, I will be pursuing them hotly. I am choosing to live as I have much yet to do. I am not giving up!